The Dog Whistler

bella effect dog whistlerWe all know her. To men butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, the pretty little thing that does everything she can to make people happy. To us ladies, who are most fortunate enough to know her on a more personal level she is literally the Devils bitch. If that term seems a bit too harsh on the poor girl, we’ll stick to ‘Dog Whistler.’ I like this term as men can’t hear anything but her poor me act. We on the other hand (by ‘we’ I mean friends) hear her coming a mile off and the sound is painful. She’s just that girl whose sting will kill you if you even think about asking her boyfriend how his day has been, yet flicks her newly fixed hair extensions and flutters her perfectly placed falsies at the guy you are hoping will ask for your number. You know the girl I’m talking about? 

A cosmetic retailers wet dream, she is the Femme Fatale that you really don’t want to upstage because, well it really could get nasty. I mean come on, it’s your date night where you finally meet this amazing guy who could potentially end the drought you have seen (ahem, when I say ‘you’ I actually mean ‘I’) for the past 6 months, of course she will spend two hours getting ready to impress him. You didn’t think she would let you be the centre of attention? Silly. The sad fact is, she cannot bear another female to be more attractive to the opposite sex. This Dog Whistler has to be what every man wants. Even your ex…

Now my ex and me are not exactly on speaking terms and we were doing really well on the civil front, like really well. I also said to Miss Dog Whistler, seen as though she was my friend, not to add him on Facebook and not to inform me about any part of his existence in life without me…So obviously when she does her fortnightly update, oh look my ex “likes” her status. Thanks for that. So I let that blow over my head, I don’t like to make a scene. Bitch. I keep my mouth shut. Give or take a week later and Miss motor mouth is now informing me of all his updates, where he is going on holiday, who he is going with and a few girls he has potentially been seeing. I have mental images of Verucca from Charlie and the chocolate factory vanishing down the nut pipes, and hope something similar would happen to this selfish, pretentious moron.

Clearly establishing she has some sort of vendetta against me, as she continues on to tell me how I need a man not a boy, blah blah, bitch bitch, etc etc, I’m wondering why on earth she has also begun following him on twitter and personally “Tweeting” him if he is as bad as she says? The answer is not a difficult one. The Dog Whistle is out in full force as she works on discreetly pushing me away from any potential reunion, flirting or meeting between us, whilst she continues being the innocent friend of mine in his eyes. Perfect actions make perfect finishes.

Trouble is if you play with fire your going to get burnt. It goes without saying I won’t put the fire out either, she started it, she ends it.


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