There’s something about rainy days that just makes you think. I don’t know why or what the reason is but it’s like the splashes of rain against the window and tiny raindrops landing on your face bury deep and settle, just enough to touch on a past memory or, may it be so, clear your mind of a current dilemma you were needing an answer to. It’s a real thoughtfulness. Not an anxiety induced panic, but a real wave of calm that floods you with a spark of clarity. When I hear the rain and have moments like these, I feel like I’m in the right place to write down my realisations.
Life is a tough run and we blame ourselves for a lot of things. A few of these things will be our fault and others won’t be our fault. It’s called being human and it’s not always a walk in the park. Especially when it’s raining on you. Heavily. Fact is, we can’t have sunshine without rain at some point. Sometimes the sunshine turns into our rain which turns into a storm we can’t control. It blows up inside our minds and everything comes to a head. Then it rains again and that rain turns into a shower. Then the sun will shine. You just have to keep walking through the boggy fields and keep those heavy wellies on until you get back to the park.
Take those days your head and body just can’t get up out of bed. The world carries on without us and we don’t want to open the curtains, brush our teeth or get changed. The groggy thought of life just keeps you weighted to the bed. Everything is your fault. Payments are late, the angry letters start piling through the post and for you it feels like a personal attack. You feel that nobody wants to be in your company and friends find you a bore and miserable mess. You can’t go out, are completely distraught about your body image and feel ugly. These amongst many other thoughts and emotions that we suppress, and for all the damage it’s already doing, magnifies it and feeds our storms some more. It’s impossible to even consider another person may be going through or could even experience this mind killer.
Your heart races faster than a streak of lightning. The stomach cramps from severe worrying make you physically sick or incredibly nauseous.
Let me tell you this; you are not a bad person. You’re are also not a failure. You are not a bad friend. You are one of the many beautiful people living in a world of extreme pressures in society. You are coping with the uncertainty of everyday life with the rest of us. You are not poor, you are measuring success against a bank balance. You are not ugly, you are comparing and despairing.
You are the only one of you this world will ever get. If anything, you are an incredible work of art. Each brush mark you paint your life with is unique, your colours are your own palette, the canvas you were born with has rips and tears but each scar is proof you mended. We are all hanging in a public gallery, just remember everybody paints over their dark patches with bright colours when it’s showtime. Judging yourself against the journey of another is no true reflection of who you truly are. It cannot be.
Friendships break, debt crawls in through our letterboxes and we lose people we love. Just because a friendship breaks, it doesn’t mean they no longer care about you. Life goes in different directions, especially when babies come along and marriages happen. Time together isn’t as much of a priority as it maybe once was. Sometimes this is just a natural parting of ways as our lives move on. Do remember though, effort is a two way tango. Don’t beat yourself up for not making enough time if they haven’t either. This isn’t you or them, this is just life.
Debt letters may seem like the end of your life but I promise it’s not personal (it really does feel like it I know.) That sick feeling every time a fresh letter lands on the hallway floor. There are millions and I mean millions of people dealing with financial struggles and it doesn’t mean you are a failure or can’t work it out. Trust me I’ve been there. I wouldn’t get out of bed or even open them. I threw them in the bin. It will work out. Ask for help. Taking that step will take so much weight from your shoulders.
As for losing those we love, I don’t know if I have any words to make it better. All I know is your grief is a sign of the love you have and one day, one sunny day in that park you will smile.
The storms will fade over time and the rain will lessen. You are not inadequate, you are perfectly imperfect. The heavy wellies can go back in the cupboard when you’re ready to take them off.
Don’t give up on yourself.
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