I’m pretty confident with who I am. I earn my own money, bring up my daughter alongside my husband and have a modest lifestyle. Nothing to be ashamed about. Nothing to hide underneath a false blanket of insecurities and lies to prevent the actual truth of my existence being thrown into the spotlight to be ridiculed and speculated. I’m a well fed woman with a nice home, a family car to keep my baby safe and a few lines of income that I earn solo. My husband has a good job and is progressing faster than I can congratulate him (which is sometimes too many favours and promises but I’ll spare you the intimate details on that one). I’m also two dress sizes bigger than the biggest I’ve ever been. Another time for that because I just can’t take focussing on another layer of, well, me.
Anyway, this evening I was in a country pub close to where I am living as I decided a nice glass of wine and a drink of my husbands preference was in order. No reason, just a bit of me and him time with our two year old in her buggy joining us for a romantic drink.
As we entered and headed up the stairs to our usual spot (come on, don’t you have a regular spot?) there was a family of four with two of the most cuddly pooches you’ve ever seen. My little girl is dog mad so naturally she ran towards them shouting “doggies!” and of course we had to do the polite thing of apologising for our child gate crashing the dinner party and wanting to stroke the dogs. They were very nice and went on to say it wasn’t a problem, that the dogs were friendly and she was welcome to smooch them. So of course she did.
Their two youngest children were stuck into their iphones as kids nowadays are and the dogs lapped up the attention from our toddler. Naturally, it’s almost polite to create conversation, which they seemed far more keen on than us and we started a rather friendly discussion on where we lived, our plans for summer and how many offspring and pets we had. Now, as I mentioned previously, I am not in a situation of great financial difficulty, which I am extremely grateful for as I have been in the past. I am also not worried at all about where I live, who I live with or where that location may be. So what happened next was entirely alien to me and why I said it I will never know…
As my husband returned from ordering my large glass of Pinot and his Foster tops, the man of the family started talking about their holiday home (Easter holidays as we speak) and even though they had a big house, he would much rather stay there. Emphasise on big house. He made sure of that. He then went on to ask were we from the area. Now, rather than just being “me” and who I am, I panicked, sweated a little and spontaneously bullshitted an entire paragraph of utter lies which went something like:
“We had a gorgeous big house but as we are in between moving we are staying in a holiday home for leisure as our new house is being prepared and finalised”
Yes, we did have a big house. No we didn’t own it we rented it. Yes we are staying in a holiday home as we save a shit load of money for a deposit on our own house. Do we have a home we plan to move into? No because we are looking for THE perfect one. I said it because for some odd reason I panicked that two lovely people had a big home, a holiday home, two puppies and eight children and still had cash seemingly coming out of their ears. I didn’t want to seem inadequate. I wanted them to think we were “successful.” So I lied through my teeth and felt more than ashamed for it. What successful actually means is independent to an individual, so why on earth I set my standards against what they may or may not have deemed to be “success” is beyond me right now.
As they finished their dinner they said we were welcome over at any point and it was lovely to meet us. I wonder if at any point they even judged us? I doubt they did. This is my own issue, my own insecurity and my own reflection on what I think life should be that led me to blurt out this utter nonsense about moving into a cute little cottage as if it was ours and we had paid for it.
If I took anything from my casual drink this evening, it’s to not ever be ashamed of who I am. There are so many ways we punch ourselves and put pressure on to lead the lives that others seem to lead. I wouldn’t even be happy living somebody else’s life and neither should you, for that matter.
Your own way of life is the only way to happiness.
The only way to live is to live a life that’s true to you.
Until next time,
p.s – Share your thoughts with me if you’ve ever felt this way
Copyright © The Bella Effect 2019