It’s been a while since my last post for The Bella Effect. My reasons behind that are down to a personal matter. One that, each time I mention or fill my mind with the memories makes me awash with emotions I am trying to contain publicly. It’s a life certainty that comes about only once. A matter of seconds between a heartbeat is all it takes to disappear. Now you see me now you don’t. Quite a deep subject really talking about life isn’t it? Times that make you open your eyes are times that you realise this is it. This is all you’re getting this time around. The face that stares back at you in the mirror, the job you leave your house for to pay for a home and the friends you choose to compliment your personality are all you have. This is you and this is what you are. Which is why you should enjoy the moments that matter, stop wanting to be something you’re not and appreciate what one day you will no longer be able to…
Growing up as a teenager I wished my entire youth away wanting to be the girl on the front cover of the magazines. The really pretty one. The girl who all the boys fancied. I wanted boobs that would fit in a bra. Oh, and I wanted the sexy face and silky hair. I wanted everything I never was. At the time I remember feeling depressed because I was never good enough, my teeth weren’t pearly whites and the boy I had a crush on that hurt like hell totally blanked me and my friend played with his joy stick in the back row of the cinema a month later. Girls seemed to be what I couldn’t be and I struggled with my appearance, stressed about my size 6 figure with no chest and stuck gel to my hair to look like the popular girls. Hindsight is a great thing.
My early twenties were a mixture of all sorts. I grew out of wanting to be this magazine perfect model and into a young lady who started getting asked for her phone number when she went out and found the world of night clubs. I bumped into boys from school, ones I liked and ones I didn’t so much and the next day I would have messages of their secret crush on me from school but turns out they were just too shy to ask. For me it was too late because I was having far too much fun working in the clubs doing PR, drinking four nights a week and hanging out with cool kids. I grew out of worrying about my appearance and finally loved my face, hair and body. Being a size 8 made me feel good. I had boobs and I was still tiny. Over-confident could have been the description. I lost the teenage insecurities and progressed into drinking, partying and boys. All good things have their match as they say, and mine was meeting the wrong boy with whom I got myself into a collection of trouble with. Suddenly boys were the bain of my life.
My mid twenties was a time I spent fighting through a deep depression. Not fun, not cool and not nice all spurred on and triggered by my poor decisions made in my early twenties. You can’t change your choices, it’s a way of life that unfortunately you make in order to find out never to do that again. The biggest shame is that it scars you deeply. Many people said to me my problems were irrelevant, just in my head and that I should think positively and get over it. Before these emotions gripped me I believed people were attention seeking always moaning and complaining. It’s the same with anything, your situation is unique to yourself. Your feelings, thoughts and emotions are relevant to yourself and yourself only. You may feel so ugly that the world can’t bear to look at you when in fact yes, it is just in your head and ugly is far from the truth but you truly feel that. Just as a little child will cry when you take it’s favourite teddy bear away. To you as a grown up it’s ridiculous but that little child only knows his fluffy toy is being taken and it’s upsetting. I felt alone like no one understood. It wasn’t about looks or boys, it was about me and the bad choices that tainted me and my conscious.
Last Friday I found myself another year older and I took a step into the bracket of the late twenties. I am happy to say I feel more confidence in myself than I ever have. Not so much body wise, another dress size lighter back then maybe but I don’t obsess about it like I used too. My personality and character has formed and this is who I am. Do I like it? Yes. OK I’m not perfect nor will I ever be but I am sure of who and what I am. I have a job I enjoy in the events industry. I write. I have my own vintage boutique. Buying a house or having a baby isn’t on my list and won’t be for a good few years into the future but I’m not a planner. As Cliche as it may sound who knows what will happen tomorrow? I get that we need to have some kind of level head for the serious side of life and I don’t mean act the idiot just to simply enjoy what you love doing. People on diets say, ‘I’ll start tomorrow’ – what’s wrong with starting today? Throughout my phases of growing from a teenage girl to a woman I have learnt enough to know that nothing is permanent. We grow into ourselves and insecurities become manageable. It also hit me how many years I wasted worrying about how pretty I was compared to other girls, was I attractive enough and all the many thoughts that possess our minds. It made me miss out on being around good fun and I wish I could go back and say to myself ‘YOU LOOK AMAZING!’ because I did.
A month ago my life collapsed. It made me think long and hard about a whole series of questions I wanted answered. There was only a matter of seconds between what changed. Enough for me to agonisingly feel what a few seconds meant to life. It’s the difference between living and dying.
You could spend your time obsessing and comparing what you have to others or you can accept what you can and can’t change and make it work. Spending years in the path of jealousy over another’s physical attributes will never change yours so work on finding what makes you content. Envying your friends job won’t get you it so therefore leave yours and find a career that makes you thrive. Who you choose to spend your time with, confide in and give your effort to defines your friendships.
Tomorrow is another day. Today is today. Live in it.
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