If this is the first time you have read a blog of mine, this is a good one to start with. For all of you who are super fabulous and read along when I publish, this one is another sexually related piece all about the mishaps of sex. Yes, we all love sex, but it doesn’t always go quite as planned does it? The passionate embrace that ends with a gigantic fanny fart through to the ever so romantic moment when your muscly man picks you up…and drops you. We all have unique experiences within our past and even current sexual relations. In this context I am defining ‘unique’ as rather fucking embarrassing. This all comes down to what you find makes you flush a rather bright red colour and wish, just, wish you could rewind 5 minutes. Naturally, I shall run through a few sexual shames in the bedroom. May I add this is based from the moment I had my cherry popped so is just a general write of my personal sexual mating mishaps…
Talking again in general terms about a natural occurrence whilst a man pumps you from behind whilst grabbing your breasts as they wobble about and then slipping his fingers between your legs to have a flick of your jelly bean (Who said men can’t multi-task?) Imagine it now, the intense feeling building up, feeling like your on some sort of illegal high as the tension starts to feel unbelievably extreme and you feel like you need a release, you need a release of all this tension. Then it happens…pfffffftttttttttt. A wet, squidgy release does indeed take place. In the form a fanny fart. All that pumping away has caused your lady hole to turn into a slightly baggier butt hole that just erupted all over his penis – minus the poo smell. I mean, when he’s shot his load and pulls out, thats also prime time isn’t it? You’re bent over on all fours and out it comes in a wet mess as it rumbles the room. Shit happens, this happens minus the shit.
Currently I am seeing a man. If you have read my previous posts you will have noticed I am quite reserved about the way I portray him. The reason being because I like him. Another reason being because he is very private about his personal life which I do respect so I shall keep quiet about the build up and just tell you what happened afterwards. So, after a pretty amazing morning of sex that left my lady bits feeling like they were about to fall off, we dozed for a few hours. I woke up, looked over and thought how hunky and dashing he looked so I clambered on top of him (he had his boxers on as did I my knickers) and I started kissing him. Mmmmm. Anyway, he looked at me and started laughing. I asked why and he said I “had a bat in my bat cave” Now, I was unfamiliar with this term as a few of you may be. He was basically saying I had a giant bogey poking out of my nose. Trying to act like I wasn’t even half ashamed by this, I wiped my hand over my nose quickly hoping my hand would catch it and I would be shame free. No. It flicked from my nostril onto his chest. A flakey bogey. I flicked a flakey bogey on a guy that is shit hot and who I really would like to continue seeing. He found the funny side and returned the favour by doing what men do best. Letting one rip under the duvet and trapping me under there with no chance of escape. Fair play.
Going back a few years, mishaps are not just bodily functions and fluids running riot and doing their best to destroy a good moment. No. Sometimes that mishap can come from your very own mouth. In bed with a new guy, he’s hitting the right spots, doing a good job and really paying attention to you. This is great. So, the best way to scream and moan would be to quite literally scream and moan. Although sometimes you forget where you are in the heat of the moment. Screaming out “DAVE, YES, YES, OHHH DAVE LOWER, LOWER” When you’re sleeping with John isn’t the best move. It’s also pretty much a guarantee you wont see him again. (I have no idea who Dave and John are either I made them up.) No man wants to hear you screaming another mans name when he has his tongue or Willy Wonka between your legs and is going for gold. Congratulations if you have never done this. *Applause*
The mishaps of the bedroom can really go on, every one of you will have your own uniquely embarrassing experience. From dribbling on his face whilst you lean over to kiss, having an accidental little poop if you’re into that song and dance through to having a slight issue with a reaction to some lubricants that have been rubbed in places they should never have been rubbed. You get it. An intimate fantasy can turn into a slightly catastrophic version of ‘You’ve Been Framed’ courtesy of yourself. Except you don’t even get the £250 as a reward for getting your tongue piercing stuck on his head (you know which one I’m talking about.) All is well when you are familiar with your partner, but for those first times, one night stands and sexual chemistry attractions it’s not ideal. *Cringe.*
This leaves me one question: What is your most embarrassing mating mishap?
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