The Bella Effect
Dear Mother Nature,
I have a bone to pick with you. Yes, I’m talking to you.
When I was a thirteen year old girl you decided it was about time I could get ready to start making babies and shower me with the gift of my very first period. I was pleased for the fact I thought that this was the trigger for my flat chest to blossom into fabulous breasts but I was clearly wrong. Having blessed my friends with their menstrual cycle at the tender age of ten, you made sure I was left out for a further three years. Thanks. ‘The girl who never hit puberty’ I became worried I wasn’t normal. Looking back, I wish you could have held out a few more years before allowing WW3 to take place in my knickers. I have a few issues to address in response to this war you declared upon my body. I ask you kindly to continue reading…
I understand this is part and parcel of becoming a woman and being lucky enough to be born with a Vagina is free entry to the monthly prize draw. The only winning ticket being the time I have sex without using that little bit of rubber mummy and daddy told me about, leaving me fully sure I am eating for two. Then you arrive and I realise I have just been a fat cow as I breathe a sigh of relief, that for once, I am glad to see you.Whilst being on this subject, there is a time and a place for you to show up and paint the town red. That time is not while I am in bed with a really attractive guy, a guy who makes my tummy flutter and is a guy who makes me laugh. It might not be obvious to you, but when you show up midway through my romp, you don’t look pretty and you do me no favours. My party is over sister. The shame and embarrassment you cast upon me needs a deep reconsideration and I highly advise you to choose your moments more wisely in future. Catching me with my legs spread-eagled above my head is not ideal nor picturesque.
You have delivered these pesky little packages for years. OK, you may think the world is a better place with little sprogs everywhere, but you have to accept that punishing me just because right now isn’t a good time for me to pop a few out is a little selfish. Don’t you think Mother Nature?
Your effect upon us all is indeed very unique. I would just like to thank you for choosing me to have two days of excruciating spasms that make me look like a weak female, resulting in extra hot baths, hot water bottles, overdosing on painkillers and calling in sick to work. Sometimes you strike when I am on job and just come at me with your angry claws and rip my insides to shreds. We all know men can be right bastards but no need to take it out on me when yours finds ‘Miss Daughter nature’ more attractive. Having to take time out from a job can sometimes be awkward. So please consider I need to make a living and bear in mind you have plenty of other time to vent your anger on me. When I am not at work or in bed with that rather strapping young man.
Having to check your knickers at regular intervals to make sure the Red Sea hasn’t flooded them will never become amusing nor even remotely normal. Pulling down my panties to a mini pool of broken down womb will never cease to make me feel slightly nauseous. So please consider that it may be better for both of us if you stopped taking me by surprise and at least allow me earn some money, enjoy sex and get in enough Tampons for my Vagina to eat for three days. I appreciate you coming to my rescue, I am forever in your debt from the worries you have saved me from, so you do have a lovely side, let us see more of it.
So I’ve picked my bone, I hope we can come to some sort of amicable arrangement. Don’t take your PMT out on me, most kind of you.
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