A Desire for Happiness

bella effect desire for happiness

Hooray for the single girl status. It appears the whole Mr Magic whirlwind romance was incredibly short lived. As the saying goes “Shit happens.” Although shit didn’t really happen (except the time I pooped myself at his house) we were just two very different people. I liked sweet popcorn he liked salted. Basically boys and girls I found out magic isn’t real and you can’t pull a rabbit from a hat. That’s when you stop believing. Although, I have to say that this relationship ultimately showed me what I really do want. Before I embarked on my crazy, fun and rocky road with this magician I was dead set against the “boyfriend/girlfriend” status but I took the plunge and went for it anyway. Taking that plunge leaves me  where I am right now. Sat in Starbucks with a completely new outlook on life and…men.

“Everything happens for a reason” is a saying I live by and never fail to see its reasoning. One event happens to lead you to the next on a never ending ride into the unknown. Who’s to say where you are right now is where you will be tomorrow, next week or even next year. Looking at what happened opened my mind. No labels is fun but is it really what I want? It was right for me at the right moment, that moment has passed. Now looking forward my newly found desires are an added addition to my life. These desires could not be further apart from each other than two ends of a piece of string.

My first desire: Whether it’s my body clock, the pressures of society or just my maternal instinct poking it’s head up for air I am now in the panic zone of producing offspring. For that matter my worry is will I actually ever have any of the wonderful little bundles of joy myself? As I am smack bang in the middle of my twenties I face the predicament that if I wait for too much longer I will be a not-so-young yummy mummy. In fact I may be so old that I won’t even be a classed in that category. I am genuinely concerned about this matter and I feel time ticks by so quickly I may miss it. Don’t get me wrong I am not so desperate that I will be willing to take any man as a sperm donor. I am merely declaring my exasperation that I am no where near the point in my life that I can even consider babies. Truth being, I would love a family of my own.

My second desire: I need to leave. A whole world exists to be explored, this leads me into a state of frenzy that I may never experience a true state of freedom. So many different varieties of life, cultures, food and people waiting for me right around the corner. To just get up and head off into the distance without understanding or even possibly knowing what may be there is an adventure that could be the stepping stone leading me to find the missing part of myself. Life is more than the same song you play on repeat, more than staring at the same scenery day after day and much more than a discontented routined schedule. For me I have a burning desire to find out what is out there, to find that wow factor and see who I really am, what I really enjoy and also what I love.

Thinking back there has never been a point in which I knew what I wanted. I never have done really. One thing I do know is the older I get the fussier I become, with a better knowledge of what suits me. Casual sex was fun, but I can’t be a number to someone anymore. Neither can I settle in a relationship that doesn’t fulfil my needs.

It was only after becoming a single girl again these waves of consciousness woke me up. What I want is so much more than I ever knew I wanted. This is the start of something new. Exactly what that is I cannot answer, but I know I need to search for it…

Copyright © 2013 The Bella Effect

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