Express Yourself

blla effect journalMy life is documented in the form of a hand-written journal. Documenting the many aspects across my hectic lifestyle, the main subject would you believe is the story of my life; Dating. Managing to make myself laugh out loud, quite literally, the accounts on each page told a mini story. Some appeared more than others which made me realise I obviously had it “quite bad” as the description goes for certain characters. At the time you never see the situation exactly how it is, you almost live in a fictitious fantasy and even as your words touch the paper, it isn’t until you read back you saw the truth all along. A truth so obvious it was overlooked. The fact is, whether you keep a diary or you don’t, we all have a history of dating stories, mostly ending in turmoil but nevertheless making extraordinary tales that we dramatically exaggerate so everybody we tell exclaims in an expectedly predicted and dramatic fashion.

There is only one place my true feelings go along with all my dirty secrets (I have A LOT of those) and that, my dear readers is my diary. Having decided today to pick it up and read back through the events of the past year and a half, I shocked myself at the amount of useless worrying I did. Of course at the time it is completely relevant and those silly moments really did matter. My point now after reading back is that I can now see exactly how those guys functioned throughout my expressions of frustration. I smile as I turn each page. Written in clear English is the answer to every unsuccessful involvement. Mentioned is every single man I have ever liked in any way. Even if it was just a brief encounter I wrote it down. Why do I do it? I don’t know why but I feel compelled to.

Musing over my personal secrets I smile as I look at one that frequents the pages quite often. This particular character, at the time made me feel baffled by his bizarre ways…Reading back I now see he is just a fun time guy who just wants to live the way he wants too. Not so bad. A few pages on I notice an entry in which I detail my lack of interest and this particular mans high interest in actions not written in my rule book. I wrote that off. Again, the fun time guy pops up a few pages later. I flick over these pages knowing full well I am just justifying actions I already understand and land on a date printed neatly and underlined. Yes, I remember this. It was fun – for a while. As I read my questioning words I roll my eyes when I see exactly what I missed. Materialistic will never be attractive. Although it appears it was more so than I ever was. You live and you learn.

If you ask me, our past is what shapes our future, it makes us what we are today. Those mistakes we made? Not likely we will be doing that again, at least not in a hurry. A memory doesn’t always have to be good to keep us moving forward positively. It can be the lower points that roll along with the higher points that keep us lifted and determined. You may even be surprised about the low lights and the comedy value they hold because believe me even though you may not think it at the time it can prove to be exceptionally amusing as you review the events in a more open-minded state. More so than anything you will laugh at what you did.

Telling a piece of paper every little thought and feeling may not appeal to some, but I honestly think it’s a fantastic way to look back and not only re-live how you felt at any one time, but to see the true meaning in the words you wrote. Every word will give you the answer to what you thought you would never find out. It will also make you wonder what the hell you were thinking dating that conceited, idiotic penis. Again, comedy value.

The only reason we know about History is because it was once spoken and copied down for the future to understand. What better than to make your own?

Copyright © 2013 The Bella Effect

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