After reading all my wonderfully insightful pieces about how men and their dysfunctional penis’s fit into my life, you should by now know I blame the male population for many situations I have faced. For example the transition from being a slim, slender figure of art to becoming practically a rippling flurry of fat. Not to forget the “Men can’t keep it in their pants” rant. That was a good one. Anyway, the main purpose of me hauling this out of the archive to refresh your memories is to also share the delightful news that I do in fact now have a real life boyfriend. Can you believe it? Having had no intentions of meeting anyone (like ever) it just so happened that one day, almost as if by magic he appeared in a big puff of smoke and then BAM! I was his girlfriend.Trouble is, the girlfriend card is a tricky one to pull out of the pack…
Let me introduce to you the man I call “Mr Magic.” Yes, this is how I refer to him to many people. Why? If you hadn’t already guessed he is a magician. If you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking – the answer is yes. Indeed I have to say he is extremely talented at what he does. Having made progression on the age factor, he is a comfortable four years more mature than myself with an impressive amount of qualities for one man alone to possess. Successful in his career, smart, focused, dedicated, good in bed and a true gentlemen. I shall say no more, as I will reveal more about his mysterious, magical character in time.
Early days in a relationship truly are like the favourite topping on your ice-cream. Not likely to last for too long but while it does it’s sensational. You look at one another adoringly, cuddle up,calling each other cute little names that would never be heard in public and maybe occasionally lick each other like puppies and think it’s cute. Aw. Blossoming romances. My track record suggests this was practically an unacceptable way to be with a man in life. I guess I shall admit defeat as he won this battle. Yes, the “Ice-Queen” melted. A bit. It is rather funny when he holds my hand whilst telling me I am such an amazing girlfriend, as I sit there thinking one day Mr Magic, you will retract that statement and banish me to a place where chocolate doesn’t exist. Right now, little butterfly’s flutter aimlessly around my tummy and I like being an amazing girlfriend. If we were playing a game? Snap.
What was majorly forgotten about the boyfriend commitment was the unwritten, unspoken contract held by all of us as we endure being objects of beauty and perfection. Upon becoming a girlfriend I found myself faced with a full time job. Single life allowed my legs to reconnect with their natural ways, unfortunately having a man in my life I now have to pretend I am smooth and silky, because, I just am. Quite possibly the biggest lie I ever told. It takes time to ensure that areas such as your underarms, thighs and lady bits are in tip-top condition. It’s an endurance test and so far I am exceeding at a dramatic pace. All in good time I guess. Nothing lasts forever. Which brings me onto my next point. Laying in the sheets like a sex goddess with your freshly shaven and moisturised body ready for the taking, you feel a tad uncomfortable and your tummy gives a little groan. Please not now you’re pleading to yourself. The most un-feminine act a woman can possibly perform, especially whilst in bed with her newly found boyfriend is to accidentally bottom burp. Humiliating. *cringe* I mean, we try our best to avoid this situation but it is sometimes inevitable. If it happens in your sleep, how would you even know? You just pray he is asleep dreaming of man things like cars, drills and you naked covered in squirty cream.
Embarrassing moments aside it is refreshing to be in a relationship which genuinely makes me smile, laugh and feel like I mean something. So far it isn’t just the “mushy” nonsense I thought it would be. Still, early days means there will be an abundance of surprises. An element of the unpredictable and not quite knowing what’s next.
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