Bookmarks of Bittersweet Memories

bella effect bookmarkCasting my mind back and reviewing the many years of my life leading up to the day I turned 25. I always thought, until today I had accomplished next to nothing. No goals, dreams or aspirations just hold backs that filled my life’s diary full of bookmarks for me to constantly re-visit and realise that no matter how easy it is to say what I want, fulfilling myself to be content and in fact even beyond content is challenged by the factors I face as I walk down the path I am creating for myself each and everyday. Let me share with you some of the bookmarks that linger…

Take for example the degree in which emotions can really dictate the choice you make. I am sure many will agree that when in play, emotions really can alter the decisions we wish we had a choice in. Turning to the bookmark that explains a split pathway to curve my future, I will tell you the outcome was never what I intended. Of course a decision is your choice, except under the circumstances of an unspoken attraction. I once had a dream to pursue, I prepared and built myself up for the day it could really change me. It was the night before that audition it happened. You need not ask, you know. Why it happened the night before I will never know. Coincidence? Fate? My dream was put on hold for a whirlwind romance. There are no regrets for my chosen actions, ‘what if’ never presented itself in my mind because I knew what I was doing was the right thing. It was just a detour on the path of where I was searching to be.

Turning to a bookmark that contains pages of a different part of my life. Never would anything I wanted for myself get in the way of the importance of someone I cared about so much. As you go through life there are events that happen which cannot be predicted and neither prepared for. When you hear of someone in your family that means so much to you being diagnosed with a heartbreaking illness there is nothing you wouldn’t give up to be there and ready for giving your all to support them. Having considered departing for 6 months on a contract to travel onboard a cruise ship, the idea of being so far away was all of a sudden terrifying. Nothing I could have been offered, no matter how magical to me could have torn me away from what was most important. I am happy to say now everything has been given the all clear and what a relief it was to hear such great news.

The next bookmark I wish to share with you was a time in which many things changed. As an adult I understood the reasons, I played an important part in what took place. I played this part because it was me that the pages have stained in red ink. A time that can never be erased, this showed me the true meaning of the question in answer. Although it is imbedded in my memory, a secret that I learnt was you have to stand tall and really make sure you know yourself before you let anyone else tell you who you are. As the involvement was a time in which I strayed off the path and into the thorn bush, I came out bruised, bleeding but eventually the scars healed. As far as bad encounters go this was one of the worst I can ever imagine having. A time in my life in which I lost all direction and became someone I never wanted to be.

Before turning 25 I fed myself stories about not having achieved anything I wanted, worried myself on where I had got to in life and why I was not where I wanted to be. As I sat here thinking today I realised something. My realisation was that between the many bookmarks I placed within my diary, each one showed me a different part of my life that had shown how far I had come. I may not have travelled the world yet and my dreams may not have come true but that is all material that can be moulded together to happen when I wander down that path that has my name on it. In the years I spent thinking I had become nothing that I wanted to be I learned I had. I found out who I was through bittersweet experiences, the strength I possessed to get through the tough times and my ability to be able to help others and keep my head when things fall down.

Copyright © 2012 The Bella Effect

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2 comments

  1. You could definitely see your skills within the work you
    write. The arena hopes for even more passionate writers such as you who aren’t afraid to mention how they believe. At all times follow your heart.

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