The single girl. That’s me. You will most often see me at parties standing on my own with a large glass of wine whilst being stared at by an over weight bald headed pervert, allowing all the seemingly happy couples to bustle about posing for photos to add to the ‘I love you forever’ album most likely bought by their mentally unstable girlfriends. When in the relationship zone, you have a security net. That will be your partner obviously. You are safe from the bulging middle aged men who have to take viagra and hit on youthful women. Single ladies? For all intents and purposes we are pretty much screwed…
The problems encountered as a single girl can really spread wide on the scale of dating. Although the general finding is most men are completely inept and just plain stupid. Just to elaborate on the word “stupid” this is not always offensive. Just 99% of the time. Sometimes stupid is fun. Rarely. Who am I kidding. I just feel no matter what tactics or game play I use the outcome is always the same. I date dick heads. That sadly is a fact. I was even told once and I quote “Stop dating dick heads” – turns out even that guy was a dick head. Oh the Irony. Excuse the repetitive text but it was necessary.
Dating in itself is a full time job. Strategically planning the reply text message, this is important as it shows where you sit on the scale of ‘desperate – hard to get.’ Do you leave it an hour or two hours? Do you keep it cool or just say what you’re thinking? It doesn’t even stop there… What do you wear on dates? Do I look to girly? Should I wear jeans or a dress? Sometimes I wonder do the idiots even notice. It’s a grueling mission of self destruction as we turn our bitch faces into butter wouldn’t melt faces and trick the men we’re on a date with into thinking we are in fact super sweet and will never tell him he can’t have female friends, the football is his to watch moan free and we will cook him a mean steak for him and all his friends. The reality is you will not watch the football; Eastenders is on. You can’t ever see her, like ever because I know you secretly fancy her and your friends can quite frankly stay away because I want you all to myself.
Of course it doesn’t stop there. Oh no. I get home and have to mentally create a programme of the nights events so I can make sure he likes me and wait for his call that is more than likely never going to happen. In the rare case it does I then have to make a special trip to Ann Summers to transform myself into some sort of sexy minx. Either way it’s difficult. Just to add, I am not a fan of keeping my legs sleek, especially in winter when I can pop a pair of tights or jeans on so maintaining the spike-free sensation on a daily basis for a man is real hard work. The bad thing is they notice and are not afraid to point it out. They being the “Man” person. Obviously.
Singledom – a world that looks so pretty from the outside, a land where the grass is as green as green can be. A multitude of options, a different menu every night is even a possibility. Sounds wonderful doesn’t it? It is. Oh yes, it really is wonderful.
The life of a single girl really is problematic. So to all men reading, take note and try your utmost best to be, what we call a “decent” guy. If you really can’t? At least pretend to be.
After all, if you’re nice and I’m single…
Copyright © 2012 The Bella Effect