It’s Monday morning and I am sitting in bed, with a cup of coffee feeling somewhat agitated. This never happens, I mean I picked a job in which I don’t have to deal with that rotten, damp feeling. Go away. Arguably a majority of you reading this will be thinking I am a lazy cow (to an extent you are very much correct) as you will have battled through rush hour and dealt with a handful of ignorance before finally collapsing at your desks. I admire you all. I really do. I couldn’t do it. To justify why I feel the way I do, is not a long story, just one that has no solid substance to it if I’m honest. That would be my life I’m referring to and the best comparison I can muster is it’s similarity to a pick ‘n’ mix sweet shop.
I need a compass to help me work out what direction I’m heading because I’m just stuck on this same path with no idea where it’s going. In fact I am really frustrated and at the same time a complete hypocrite. Telling others to just ‘head out and live their dreams, what’s stopping them’ yet not applying this theory to myself is not the way it should role. Although my job (I work in events) is incredibly varied and I meet so many amazing people I am ridiculously restless. Asking me why won’t get any sort of plausible answer. I don’t even know myself. Something is missing and I wake up every morning trying to figure out exactly what part of me that is.
Even when it comes to my social life, this is not what most people admit but, oh well, you win some you lose some. Not much excites me. City life I find to be the same cliches each weekend and to escape the wonderful delights of this town are extremely rare. Thanks to my job, I rarely get a weekend to let my hair down and have a weekend treat. I do adopt the ‘Work hard play harder’ attitude don’t get me wrong, this is in fact my motto but nothing beats a good weekend away when you pack your bags and say goodbye to the boring background of a bland hometown.
The feeling of being trapped is something similar to what I feel at this moment in my life. Settling is something I always argue against yet that is what I am doing with myself. The Oscar Wilde quote is the perfect answer. I just exist. I can’t remember the last time I felt that feeling of excitement in my tummy, or the last time I was so nervous I felt sick. Those feelings that really make you feel like your living. I know I am the only person that can change this, but why can’t I take that step? Why do I just settle for this ‘safe’ lifestyle that means nothing will ever change? It’s fear. Fear controls me. The horrible feeling that I will never succeed or be a success.
As you see, there is no real substance to my agitation. I have no responsibilities so indeed what is stopping me from taking off and really living? The only person in my way is myself. I guess I could say I should take note of my favorite quote:
“Feel the fear and do it anyway.”
When you think about it, what is so important in life that you forget to have fun?
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